FEELING

What is the strongest feeling of all? Love? Hate? Joy? Fear? Pain? Pity? Agony?

It’s really confusing. Actually the most problematic thing is that whenever I try to decide the most powerful one I always get biased. Being biased, doesn’t mean that every time I vote for same specific feeling. In fact I get biased by the situation that’s happening all ‘round me and I become inclined to different feelings at different times.

Such as when I first saw ‘Casablanca’(1942) I found love is all around. I thought it is the most vivid feeling. Love feeds us all, takes care of us and make us breathe.

Again, when my best friend jumped out of four storied window, don’t know ‘bout her but all I felt was nothing but a sting of pain. This time my realization was that pain is the superior of all. This is the feeling that brings best creation out of us(as I wrote the best ever poem after the incident).

But all those time I was wrong. I was biased. This time I think I’m neutral. Actually now I’m drowning in one feeling and voting for supremacy of ‘nother feeling. So I think finally I’ve managed to get out from being a biased person. Through my veins the feeling that is running now is boiling agony.

The only relaxing vacation during this sem is knocking on the door. As usual like other departments we also wanted to add just two extra holidays. And here comes the problem. The ‘Hirak Raja’ of our class, the butcher teacher standing alone with his bloody axe to cut off the little link of holidays that is supposed to help the long distant students to reach their home and breathe some air of free holidays. We all the students, well, almost all, decided to do a mass bunk. Then comes another problem. This ‘Hirak Raja’ has already put few students in his ‘Jantar-Mantar’ and has done the complete brain-wash. So they’re standing with this fucking king and against us. And probably finally we all have to bow before this king and got no bunk. So there’s no emotion left on my mind except a volcano of agony.

But I realize it’s not agony the strongest one but the ‘Fear’. We actually discarding this mass bunk because we are afraid, afraid of that motherfucker ‘Hirak Raja’. It’s how strange that more than 40 students just suppress their wish for only of three. This how afraid we are. And we are not doing this by the feeling of love or hate or joy or pain or agony but by the fear. Really, this is the emotion that helps the predator to kills his prey though in fact if the prey be united and punch back in a minute predator would become prey.

But enough. I have had enough. I won’t give this fear to control my actions any more. Fear, it is the strong one not the things we are afraid of. So I gotta uproot this fear from my mind. After all I’d rather be a dead man in the necropolis of revolutionaries than be a king in the kingdom of slavery.

Now it’s your call...

Mild Vine

West wind blows
Through soft green grasses,
Along the misty road
A fading figure passes,
An empty bottle,
A glass full of wine,
In the dark of the wall
There grows a vine,
Outside the window
World's drowned in rain,
All 'round's silent
Except a cry from the lane,
Time has lost its mind
Running down so long,
It confused 'bout what is right
Right seems so wrong,
It forgets from where it starts running
It doesn't know when it'll end,
Dreams are scattered along the horizon
Where at earth sky bends...






At the bottom-ground
Of my mind,
Where my vision
Is blind,
Nothing but emptyness
Filled in dark,
There's something choking
Blood-loss, a scar mark,
A voice in the air
Seems like crying,
In the deepest farthest ground
There's a mild vine,
Steps has lost
Where horizon died,
Look in the steps
Here Devil cried,
Look at the mild vine
What you find,
It is the birth
Of an Evil Mind...

Lost in the Maze of Search

Every time I find time, time to waste, time to loose, loose my mind from all the bondage of my surrounding I dive into the deep ocean of search.
Last night when a sudden load-shedding cut the cord of my mind off connecting with the higher notes of 'Echoes' by snatching away the power of my computer I came on the roof under the vast hollow sky studded with blinking small lights of far far away. I put my hand in my pocket for matches and started to release chains of smoke and like an weightless feather jumped into the ocean.
First thing came to my mind was Keats and his words, "Truth is beauty, beauty truth." So the first wave of the ocean that rolled over my mind was the tide of 'Truth'. I tried to figure out what is the actual truth. In the search I found an big white flag holding high. Wind was rattling through the flag trying to blow it away but the flag was waving in the restless wind being strong, calm yet bold. I concentrate on that giant white flag.
Suddenly I found the white flag is transformed into cotton-white whimsical clouds floating in the dark blue sky. Those floating clouds waved my mind into the land of 'Dreams'. I felt dream, yeah, dream is the truth. Truth is something that stands for ever all along. Don't these dreams also last for ever? Even after long time the death of the dreamer? I realized Truth and Dreams are just two sides of a coin.

While drowning in the tides of dreams I found 'Beauty'. An eternal joy flowing out of my mind. I was drowning in that beauty. I saw all people in a single row, all for one one for all, all together so happy. So much beauty in that bond of mankind.

I didn't even realise when the waves of beauty brought me to the stream of 'Love'. Only one phrase running through my vain was, "Love the people..."
Being tied in that tide of bond of Love i experienced a Divine joy, a power almighty, I found 'God'.
So, I started to swim in the waves in search for God. I found belief, trust, then religion. Then i saw men fighting for religion an dying define and protecting it. Then I found an over power, a dictator that turns that belief into a disbelief, an agitation. God seemed like a selfish, stupid, idiotic belief, nothing but a fucking asshole. I reached to the calm and profound roaring waves of Atheism, I found an 'Atheist'.
I swam to dipper waves in search for that Atheist. I again found all the people in a row, all equal, no one to over power anyone. I found the greatest love inside that disbelieve. There all stand for each other, everyone sees himself in the image of everyone. And like that I also found my image in the face of every single people, I found myself.
As I went to more deep in search of myself instead of heavier I felt lighter. I saw a something in distance. As I went closer I find a white flag waving in the wind. That flag I saw before, once again I reached at the stream from where I began the search, the 'Truth'.
From then on I have trying to figure out how could all these inter-related. It's really strange when you lost in an infinite maze of loops. I couldn't explain what I experience last night. Can you? Search for truth, you shall find dreams, search for dreams you shall find beauty, search for beauty you shall find love, search for love you shall find god, search for god you shall find an atheist, search for an atheist you shall find yourself, search for yourself you shall find the truth again...

Pain and Freedom... not the Painful Freedom : Exile on a Quiet Wild Stream

What did I need? To be lone? To have a salvation? To walk away from life? I really didn’t know at the start. But now I know what I needed.
Why through some path out of this same old life-line I had or needed to walk? Well, some may represent this story as a reason. Story of one of my best friends I ever had. Her name was… whatever her name... it didn’t or doesn’t matter at all… may be she’s Mary may be Jane… whatever she was something out of your and my way, way out of our ordinary common life. Everything to her was just like a beautiful poem. From her very first childhood she has an ambition of flying, flying far far away… but to where I never knew. Just few weeks ago she messaged me, “The wildest thing I’ve ever wanna do is fly. Should I give it a try?” Well, all my life I always encouraged people in creativity. So I didn’t even think twice. I replied, “Why not? Spread your wings and fly away.” So she did the same.
From the fifth storied window,
She flied,
Closing her eyes…


Again, some may put this incident, as the reason, happened just few days after the first one. I was walking down the road lost in thoughts. I stopped by our town bridge and lit up a cigarette. Unmindfully watching people came and gone. Suddenly my vision fixed on a little boy about 9 or 10. He was flying a kite. I felt his mind lost in the spaces with that flying li’l red kite in the blue sky. He was so much on himself that he didn’t even recognize when he had stepped out of the pavement. Then it happened. A car rushed through the road as usual in its high speed. Before my slow brain reacted I already did the act by the direction of my fast heart. Well, I did rescue the lost boy completely but couldn’t make myself rescue myself properly. My spinal cord injured badly. Some said, I’m an idiot, some said, brave, I really don’t know who am I, may be an idiotic brave. Well, there are guys think this horrible accident leaded me to a frustration and in this exile.

Another group of people like to state this one as the reason of my exile. My recent confusion about a simply growing complex relation throws me into this isolated exile they say.

Well, me myself didn’t know the actual reason was, in fact I don’t know the reason even now. Actually in my life I never do a thing for a reason, I do everything only because I feel like doing. I just felt that I need more space, a bit like the lyrics,
“When you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think
You need more space”
But my bigger place wasn’t any lone Alaska adventure or something like that. I needn’t to physically be present there. All I needed spaces around my mind actually, I needed to think and think until my thoughts would begin to bleed. So I choose our old farmhouse to stay for couple of weeks. No single person around. I even stopped to walk out of the room. I just kept the small west window open. For food sometimes I went to kitchen, otherwise only in that very dark room. Only company of mine was my old guitar and a pain, some says pain in my spinal cord where some says pain in my heart.

In my first days I really felt lonely, very lonely. My mind howled to grab my memories back. But as time pass there was strange change. I finally started to enjoy this loneliness. This serenity, complete silence started to whisper into my ears and the whisper then gradually grown louder and louder. As if this silence were singing to me,
“If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world…”
I discovered this new friend, loneliness, emptiness, darkness, voids… silence.

Well, I must say that at the last days there was no dramatic change in my mind, like not for a single moment I felt the urge or need to go back amongst so called society. Not for a single moment those words rang into my ear, “What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?”

Again, it was always been in my realization that happiness is real when shared. But in this exile I realized that sharing doesn’t mean only with people ‘round you. You can share it with an imaginary friend, with your thoughts, with your memories, even with this cold dark black silence.

I enjoyed this exile on a quiet and wild stream. I realized the freedom, freedom of mind at the same time the pain. How strange it was to walk along when one hand of yours holding the wild freedom while the other arm is in a calm melancholic pain. Something like bittersweet symphony. I felt that caged bird inside me coming out breaking the chains. Or if I say it truly, I think my feelings were exactly described by the words from the ‘Sesh Kotha’(‘Last Words’) by Rabindranath, “Khancha theke beriye eseche pakhi, kintu paye ache ek tukro sikal. Norte chorte seta baje.”(*translated by me: “the bird comes out of the cage breaking the chains free. But there’s a small piece of chain still ‘round the leg. It sounds while he moves.”)...........

Me...

All dark down there. All dark, deep and quiet. Dark like black-holes in the sky. That’s the way I love it. That’s the place I love to be in, rather I rightly fit in. Sometimes I wonder why. Only one answer I get, that’s the place that leads me to search for something. Do you wonder why? Why a place full of light does not attract me? Actually it does not let me have a chance of my favorite search. I love light. I’d love to search it. And brightness never creates need of search of light what that pitch dark does.

Sometimes it freaks me out that my turn on factors turn me off most and vice versa. Like I love to live in a complete silence environment ‘cause I love chaos. Yeah, I think chaos is the most beautiful thing in this world. Chaotic things that are every little things that come out of imperfection made each of us different, different from robots and made everything so so much beautiful.

Again, I love to connect. Connect with people, animals, trees, stones… with everything. Probably this is the reason I love to be alone, all alone.

Actually there’s an inner me that conflicts with everything happening all around. Such as, if people tell me life is beautiful, you must feel alive by recognizing beauty and truth; I’d tell I feel alive by experiencing pain, feeling death. Again, if people say, death is the final destiny, that’s the way you free from all the bondages, I’d say life is the most important thing and the way you live it makes your death significant, rather death bounds all the creative powers inside you. Even sometimes my inner me stands up against my outer me.

That’s the way I was, I am and probably I will be.

Lucy again...

Mist all ‘round again. Everything’s fading out in the dark veil of mist. A boy’s sitting under the weeping willow. Wild wind’s blowing through his shaggy hair taking his mind far far away. Everything’s so dark that the burning end of the cigarette in the hand of the boy seemed like a light-house from distance. There’s ain’t a sound all around except the sound, of collision of the wind with the falling leaves, that seemed like as if a cloud of sorrow is roaring wanting to rain all pain down in the form of tears…

Suddenly a little louder sound broke the stability of the environment as if those roaring cloud starts a hard rain. The boy’s searching for the source of the sound. But couldn’t find any thing. Suddenly he realized that it’s the sound of someone’s steps through the falling leaves. A hazy figure, in the dark mist, of a girl was walking alone on her own through the woods. Knowing nothing, being blank like hypnotized the boy stood up and followed her. A long narrow road full dust like scattered dreams. The boy continued his walk behind the Lucy of his dreams…


The path bends away to the horizon. While walking through the path the boy was lost in his own dreams that was scattered in form of dust all along the road. He felt that everything he ever wanted was just right there, he realized that the man he always wanted to be was no one else but he himself. A fade blue light was glimpsing amidst the dark cold black. After walking a while the boy understood the blue was a distance star imitating its ray how far it can. He thought deep and deep but couldn’t understand why only one star was on the sky…

Suddenly rain started, heavy rain. As if the rain was washing away all the pain, all the sorrow, all tears were lost in that rain. The boy looked at his Lucy of dreams. He saw she closed her eyes, letting her spirit free in this wild rain. The rain turned to be heavier. More and more dense. Everything was getting colder and colder. Rain drops turned to snow-flakes. The boy was about to lose his Lucy in the dark heavy snow-flakes. He wanted to run and hold her hand. But there’s some mystic force was holding his feet to the ground. He tried and tried but all tries were in vain. Finally he won. He loosened up all the chains, broke down all the walls and ran free to his ever dreamed Lucy. He took her two hands in his two. He was ‘bout to say something. But a mysterious smile of Lucy made him spell-bound, hypnotized. Snow was getting thicker and thicker so that it’s hard for the boy to even see Lucy. But even in this cold freezing wind the boy felt warm in the touch of his dream. He slowly closed his eyes to feel this moment more and more…

Then when he opened his eyes he found everything so dark that he couldn’t even see Lucy though he felt her two hands were hold in his two hands. Suddenly he realized that there’s a pen in his one hand and the other hand a cigarette. He confused again who’s his Lucy, his pen or his cigarette. He went to bathroom, washed his face in cold water. He looked into the mirror. He saw his face. So do I. I felt I know him. The boy’s face was so similar to someone, but who he was actually? I looked into the mirror more carefully. My head started spinning ‘round. The image of the boy merged into my own image…

Life n' "F"

Let me take a look in my review mirror. Well, I admit there ain't lot of things I can see clearer. But enough messy things to mess me up and make my mind disappear in the dark smoke of the past. Well, all my life I've never been trying to hold on to anything. The only thing in my life that never changes is the tendency to be changed. Let me rethink for a second. Are these lines matches my life. Ummmmmmm................I think it does.

"I've been loved, I've been lone,
All my life I've been a rolling stone"

But there's a mysterious thing you know. Though all my life I've been a rolling stone, still I gather a heavy layer of moss. Is there any one who can clarify why? Sometime I think that all my motion is just virtual. May be I'm not moving actually, it's my surrounding that moves and make me feel like moving. Or may be accidentally my velocity is equal to the velocity of moss. So they are with me. These moss are nothing but the nightmare of my fucking past. (Well let me tell you one think, in this writing I’d gotta use this great “F”-word a lot, as they are very important part of my liFe.)
Through out my god or devil damn fucking liFe I’ve always been defeated and defeated so badly that I consider it a fucking win whenever I just got a chance to fight it back. Through out my fucking school career I just somehow managed to pass and by the edge got a chance in a fucking college. From school I used to have a fucking dream that college-liFe won’t suck that much. But now I feel it sucks more. All my fucking liFe I always wanted to be writer or a painter. But no one appreciates none of the above works of mine, rather if I tell the fucking truth, no fucking work of mine ever be appreciated by anyone. Whatever, in these fucking days I paint a lot. Only the fucking difference is that I dreamed to paint abstract and what I paint is damn specific thing, Fucking reinforcement design of slab, footing, beam, column and blah blah blah…
In my liFe all the fucking good things I left undone and all the fucking bad things I never miss. I smoked in the fucking institute-roof, attend class being totally out, pour vodka in a water-bottle and drink it as if I’m drinking fucking water in front of a teacher and don’t even forget to offer him for a sip(but sad to say he denied the “water”…) and so many things that I can’t tell about.


But there’s a fucking good thing. There’s a fucking proverb that gives fucking hope to me, “Failure is the pillar of success”. I’ve been failed so many times that I can bet my pillar is the greatest one. And being a would-be civil engineer I can tell you how fucking important the pillar is in a damn fucking structure.



So ultimately what's the conclusion of my liFe is that it's all fuck up by others and most of the cases by myself. But you know what's the fucking magic. I still love myself and my silly liFe. I’m so grateful to being fucked up. Cause this is the time I found friend, the real ones who’s there to pull me through. Really I never knew that being fucked up can be so funny. After all being fucked up through out my fucking liFe I’ve finally become who I am. And I’m rather be hated for who I’m than be loved for who I’m not. Cause I love myself a lot. And you know, I feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little liFe. Yup, it's all fucked up. But have you ever really see what happened to my liFe if it wasn't filled with this "F"? Well you omit yourself the "F"-factor from my liFe, it'd be just 'nother LIE (LIFE - F) !

Yeah, my liFe is all wasted but best enjoyed...