TWO STRANGERS, A SILENT NIGHT AND THE BEATLES


A dark, quiet, silent night. Only sound was of the blowing wind that was sliding down by his ear softly and also there was a periodic sound from the friction of the chain of his slow moving cycle. This was a perfect night for him. He was murmuring ‘While my Guitar gently Weeps’ by his own. When he was about to reach his spot he had to stop his singing to listen to a sudden sharp tone. He listened carefully. Then he changes his song with whistling tune of the night’s strange mouthorgan to ‘Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da’. In such a calm night the song was not a fit but still it seemed sweet to him like a perfect contrast. When he reached the spot he found someone sitting on his place and playing the mouthorgan. From back, it was not clear, but the figure was of a girl with a white jacket and dark blue short jeans, a muffler of stripe design was covering her neck. She was so much lost in herself that she couldn’t spot his silent presence. As her mouthorgan stopped, he said, “Hi, there”.

She turned around with a shock but in seconds got back her nerves and replied, “Hi” with a fade smile that was probably saying instead of any company she’d rather prefer to be alone.

“You’re playing pretty fine... Beatles’ fan. Huh?” he said while coming towards her from his cycle.

“Isn’t it obvious, when someone plays their tune along in the dead of night?” she uttered in a monotonous tone gazing at the wide open field before her. He sat beside her and asked, “Yeah, sure! But why you’re here in such late hours?”

“I can ask you the same...”

“Oh, actually when I got nothing to do I came here to do something.”

Few silent seconds slipped through. Both of them kept fixing their vision towards distant stars in kinda awkward manner. The boy broke the silence, “What’s your name?”

“Is it that important? Whatever you want... well I’m Molly. And you?” she was still looking away.

“I’d say Desmond.”

She turned towards him and chuckled. A sudden soft night breeze blew through her hair. As she pulled back her soft brunette hair from her face, he just blanked for moments and did nothing but looked straight at her. He did not notice the beauty of her face earlier. It seemed like his answer about his name also did some trick. She showed interest and asked, “So Desmond, to do which of your great work you come here?”

“Umm... it depends on my mood after being here, sometimes I write few lines of poem or I sketch usually.”

“In such a little light? It’s hard even to see here.”

“When your mind’s open everything is clear. But what brings you here?”

“Actually my train... It’s delayed for some reason. And now I gotta wait till tomorrow morning.”

“Where are you gonna go from here?”

“Umm... Octopus’s Garden.” She smiled, “And you? Where you came from?”

“Strawberry Fields Forever.”

They laughed out. She said, “Desmond, you’re so funny.”

He smiled back, “So are you Molly. What do you love except Beatles? Let me guess? Singer in a band?”

“No... I sing terribly! Wish I could. I play this” she pointed to her mouthorgan, “You paint! C’mon show me your works. You got here some, right?”

He opened his bag that was lying beside him and handed over her a small copy somewhat like a notepad. She went through the pages, as she went her speed of turning page slowed down. She concentrated more on the freaky lines that he had scratched through his pages. Being like hypnotized her lips trembled, “Wow! Desmond you... you just... I dunno what to say.” After a pause of few seconds she added, “Life brings you a lot of pain?”

“Why?”

“Your sketches are saying so.”

“Actually life didn’t bring me that much pain, rather I search for it in life. You know I... I like to portray the face of this pain... screaming silence... death.... no, I never had that much of experience of pain but I love the pain.”

Some wrinkles surfaced on her face, “But you’re a Beatles fan!”

“Who said a Beatles fan can’t be fond of ambient black metal?”

“Oh, I see that’s why you’re full in black.” She seemed a bit irritated at his reply.

“No... I’m the blackbird... singing in dead of night...”

Folds upon her forehead reduced, she nodded her head, slowly uttered, “Yes, but... I really can’t understand how a person like you can love pain... Beatles, they always sang for love... for peace...for life...”

“You only heard the song of the blackbird, never saw the wing... its broken.... maybe you also forgot to listen to the sound of the gentle weeping of a guitar... these all are pain, Molly”

“May be... but still...” She reached the pocket of her jacket and was about to offer him a cigarette.

“What? You smoke? But it brings you closer to death, and you hate death. Don’t you?” he said.

“What do you mean? Do you mean you smoke ‘cause you love death and have hurry to reach it. Well, let me suggest you then, you needn’t smoke for that, hang up from a rope, you’ll reach your loving death. Anyway I don’t care ‘bout death, all I love is my life and smoke’s like happiness a warm-gun to me”

“Wow”

“What’s there to be surprised of?”

“You said just like I give people reason for smoking.” He took the cigarette from her. She lit up her smoke. Then she bent towards him helping him to get the flame.

She released a chain of smoke and asked, “So, what you say to people about why you smoke?”

“They say ‘smoking kills’, and I reply them, ‘...but everyone dies.’”

“Suppose someone argued, ‘but smoking makes you die earlier.’”

“Some people die early, but it doesn’t mean they live less.”

“Great. You’ve got a vision.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, Desmond you love pain, death. Can you explain why?”

“I think life’s most significant part is death, like the ending climax of a novel.”

“I see. Whatever. Forget this topic. Do you know there’s a great thing I saw there, just a couple blocks down. Wanna go? ”

“Umm... it’s not very far, right? I can’t walk much. Today I’ve walked a lot.”

“No... It’s just there. May be we can have your cycle.”

“Cool.” He jumped to his feet, “Let’s go.”

She took her bag and stood up. She noticed his T-shirt, “Great T-shirt. Where you get it? I’d like to have one.”

“I’m afraid you won’t get this Beatles-design wear in market” he looked back at her and smiled, “I paint it by myself.”

She awed, “Wow! Desmond you really got some talents.”

“Not really. It ain’t that hard a work, it only seems so.”

“Don’t be so polite, you’re really an amazing artist.” She said as she was adjusting herself on the front-rod of his cycle with her bag.

It was a bit difficult for him cycling as well as smoking; her bag was heavy. But her company made his work easier.

He started to sing in a low voice,

“When the world’s amidst the trouble

It’s the duty of you and me”

She looked back at him and smiled as he kept singing,

“Make a brighter tomorrow

Let it be...”

He drove down the road.

When he finished the song, she told, “Your voice is really terrible like me, but I gotta admit you’re a true artist, your words are just awesome.” He smiled, but said nothing.

“Now take the left turn” she said. That left turn was a lane narrower and darker. In fact there wasn’t any street-light, the only thing that lit the road was the sweet soft moonlight. She asked, “So, Desmond, what would disappoint you most in this journey?”

“Nothing... it seems like a perfect one.”

“Still, what the thing you hate most to see in the next turn of this journey?”

“Umm... I thing a street-light would disappoint me most in this dark path.”

She smiled in reply. They kept on chatting while going through the dark night. The Beatles were connecting the two strangers.

“Hey, stop... stop... it’s here.” He stopped the cycle as she said. She jumped off the cycle and took a deep breath, “So what do you think ‘bout the beautiful thing of this spot?”

“I don’t realise actually. What’s the thing you want to show?” he seemed a bit confused. Moreover, sudden appearance of a street light in the dark had already blown his mood off a bit. She said spontaneously, “This street-light! Don’t you like it?”

“Not actually, I told you what I would hate most.”

She smiled, “So what do you think about this whole journey? It’s all in vain?”

“Nopes... I enjoyed the whole journey, just hated this end-part. But it’s never gonna drag down the great feeling of the whole road. After all, in any case I’d love to see the glass half-full”

“So you’re contradicting yourself. This is what I tried to say to you. End is not all that matters. Like life matters and how you spend it, not the end part, death.”

“Molly... I don’t know what to say... you... you just....”

“...whatever I am you’re unique for me. We’re a perfect match.” She smiled.

He smiled back and said, “Let’s get out of this fucking light first.” And he stepped towards his cycle. She followed him and they lost in the dark.

Time slipped through the night so fast that before they knew sun went down off the horizon in the opposite side of the world.

She seemed disappointed when her alarm went off. “I have to go now” she said.

When they reached the station, both got no words left to say. Neither wanted to let go off the moment but time didn’t permit them.

The train whistled into the station and within a minute was about to go.

She stood at the gate of the train.

He couldn’t wait or resist himself.

“Won’t we ever meet again?”

“Why not?”

“But I don’t know where to find you... neither you know of me.”

“But I’ve told you where I’m going and I know where you are from. Don’t you know where to find me?”

“Octopus’s Garden.”

“Yes, Desmond, my strawberry-field-boy...” and she kissed him as the train started to move.

She kept on standing as long as she saw him standing at station staring straight to her. When the train bent out of his sight he took his cycle. She sat by a window, brought out her mouthorgan and imagining him singing a song started to play a tune. While paddling his cycle amongst the waves of human-wave he sang out,

“I’ve just seen a face

I can’t forget the time or place....”

FEELING

What is the strongest feeling of all? Love? Hate? Joy? Fear? Pain? Pity? Agony?

It’s really confusing. Actually the most problematic thing is that whenever I try to decide the most powerful one I always get biased. Being biased, doesn’t mean that every time I vote for same specific feeling. In fact I get biased by the situation that’s happening all ‘round me and I become inclined to different feelings at different times.

Such as when I first saw ‘Casablanca’(1942) I found love is all around. I thought it is the most vivid feeling. Love feeds us all, takes care of us and make us breathe.

Again, when my best friend jumped out of four storied window, don’t know ‘bout her but all I felt was nothing but a sting of pain. This time my realization was that pain is the superior of all. This is the feeling that brings best creation out of us(as I wrote the best ever poem after the incident).

But all those time I was wrong. I was biased. This time I think I’m neutral. Actually now I’m drowning in one feeling and voting for supremacy of ‘nother feeling. So I think finally I’ve managed to get out from being a biased person. Through my veins the feeling that is running now is boiling agony.



The only relaxing vacation during this sem is knocking on the door. As usual like other departments we also wanted to add just two extra holidays. And here comes the problem. The ‘Hirak Raja’ of our class, the butcher teacher standing alone with his bloody axe to cut off the little link of holidays that is supposed to help the long distant students to reach their home and breathe some air of free holidays. We all the students, well, almost all, decided to do a mass bunk. Then comes another problem. This ‘Hirak Raja’ has already put few students in his ‘Jantar-Mantar’ and has done the complete brain-wash. So they’re standing with this fucking king and against us. And probably finally we all have to bow before this king and got no bunk. So there’s no emotion left on my mind except a volcano of agony.

But I realize it’s not agony the strongest one but the ‘Fear’. We actually discarding this mass bunk because we are afraid, afraid of that motherfucker ‘Hirak Raja’. It’s how strange that more than 40 students just suppress their wish for only of three. This how afraid we are. And we are not doing this by the feeling of love or hate or joy or pain or agony but by the fear. Really, this is the emotion that helps the predator to kills his prey though in fact if the prey be united and punch back in a minute predator would become prey.

But enough. I have had enough. I won’t give this fear to control my actions any more. Fear, it is the strong one not the things we are afraid of. So I gotta uproot this fear from my mind. After all I’d rather be a dead man in the necropolis of revolutionaries than be a king in the kingdom of slavery.


Now it’s your call...

Mild Vine

West wind blows
Through soft green grasses,
Along the misty road
A fading figure passes,
An empty bottle,
A glass full of wine,
In the dark of the wall
There grows a vine,
Outside the window
World's drowned in rain,
All 'round's silent
Except a cry from the lane,
Time has lost its mind
Running down so long,
It confused 'bout what is right
Right seems so wrong,
It forgets from where it starts running
It doesn't know when it'll end,
Dreams are scattered along the horizon
Where at earth sky bends...






At the bottom-ground
Of my mind,
Where my vision
Is blind,
Nothing but emptyness
Filled in dark,
There's something choking
Blood-loss, a scar mark,
A voice in the air
Seems like crying,
In the deepest farthest ground
There's a mild vine,
Steps has lost
Where horizon died,
Look in the steps
Here Devil cried,
Look at the mild vine
What you find,
It is the birth
Of an Evil Mind...

Lost in the Maze of Search

Every time I find time, time to waste, time to loose, loose my mind from all the bondage of my surrounding I dive into the deep ocean of search.
Last night when a sudden load-shedding cut the cord of my mind off connecting with the higher notes of 'Echoes' by snatching away the power of my computer I came on the roof under the vast hollow sky studded with blinking small lights of far far away. I put my hand in my pocket for matches and started to release chains of smoke and like an weightless feather jumped into the ocean.
First thing came to my mind was Keats and his words, "Truth is beauty, beauty truth." So the first wave of the ocean that rolled over my mind was the tide of 'Truth'. I tried to figure out what is the actual truth. In the search I found an big white flag holding high. Wind was rattling through the flag trying to blow it away but the flag was waving in the restless wind being strong, calm yet bold. I concentrate on that giant white flag.
Suddenly I found the white flag is transformed into cotton-white whimsical clouds floating in the dark blue sky. Those floating clouds waved my mind into the land of 'Dreams'. I felt dream, yeah, dream is the truth. Truth is something that stands for ever all along. Don't these dreams also last for ever? Even after long time the death of the dreamer? I realized Truth and Dreams are just two sides of a coin.
While drowning in the tides of dreams I found 'Beauty'. An eternal joy flowing out of my mind. I was drowning in that beauty. I saw all people in a single row, all for one one for all, all together so happy. So much beauty in that bond of mankind.
I didn't even realise when the waves of beauty brought me to the stream of 'Love'. Only one phrase running through my vain was, "Love the people..."
Being tied in that tide of bond of Love i experienced a Divine joy, a power almighty, I found 'God'.
So, I started to swim in the waves in search for God. I found belief, trust, then religion. Then i saw men fighting for religion an dying define and protecting it. Then I found an over power, a dictator that turns that belief into a disbelief, an agitation. God seemed like a selfish, stupid, idiotic belief, nothing but a fucking asshole. I reached to the calm and profound roaring waves of Atheism, I found an 'Atheist'.
I swam to dipper waves in search for that Atheist. I again found all the people in a row, all equal, no one to over power anyone. I found the greatest love inside that disbelieve. There all stand for each other, everyone sees himself in the image of everyone. And like that I also found my image in the face of every single people, I found myself.
As I went to more deep in search of myself instead of heavier I felt lighter. I saw a something in distance. As I went closer I find a white flag waving in the wind. That flag I saw before, once again I reached at the stream from where I began the search, the 'Truth'.
From then on I have trying to figure out how could all these inter-related. It's really strange when you lost in an infinite maze of loops. I couldn't explain what I experience last night. Can you? Search for truth, you shall find dreams, search for dreams you shall find beauty, search for beauty you shall find love, search for love you shall find god, search for god you shall find an atheist, search for an atheist you shall find yourself, search for yourself you shall find the truth again...

Pain and Freedom... not the Painful Freedom : Exile on a Quiet Wild Stream




What did I need? To be lone? To have a salvation? To walk away from life? I really didn’t know at the start. But now I know what I needed.
Why through some path out of this same old life-line I had or needed to walk? Well, some may represent this story as a reason. Story of one of my best friends I ever had. Her name was… whatever her name... it didn’t or doesn’t matter at all… may be she’s Mary may be Jane… whatever she was something out of your and my way, way out of our ordinary common life. Everything to her was just like a beautiful poem. From her very first childhood she has an ambition of flying, flying far far away… but to where I never knew. Just few weeks ago she messaged me, “The wildest thing I’ve ever wanna do is fly. Should I give it a try?” Well, all my life I always encouraged people in creativity. So I didn’t even think twice. I replied, “Why not? Spread your wings and fly away.” So she did the same.
From the fifth storied window,
She flied,
Closing her eyes…


Again, some may put this incident, as the reason, happened just few days after the first one. I was walking down the road lost in thoughts. I stopped by our town bridge and lit up a cigarette. Unmindfully watching people came and gone. Suddenly my vision fixed on a little boy about 9 or 10. He was flying a kite. I felt his mind lost in the spaces with that flying li’l red kite in the blue sky. He was so much on himself that he didn’t even recognize when he had stepped out of the pavement. Then it happened. A car rushed through the road as usual in its high speed. Before my slow brain reacted I already did the act by the direction of my fast heart. Well, I did rescue the lost boy completely but couldn’t make myself rescue myself properly. My spinal cord injured badly. Some said, I’m an idiot, some said, brave, I really don’t know who am I, may be an idiotic brave. Well, there are guys think this horrible accident leaded me to a frustration and in this exile.

Another group of people like to state this one as the reason of my exile. My recent confusion about a simply growing complex relation throws me into this isolated exile they say.

Well, me myself didn’t know the actual reason was, in fact I don’t know the reason even now. Actually in my life I never do a thing for a reason, I do everything only because I feel like doing. I just felt that I need more space, a bit like the lyrics,
“When you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think
You need more space”
But my bigger place wasn’t any lone Alaska adventure or something like that. I needn’t to physically be present there. All I needed spaces around my mind actually, I needed to think and think until my thoughts would begin to bleed. So I choose our old farmhouse to stay for couple of weeks. No single person around. I even stopped to walk out of the room. I just kept the small west window open. For food sometimes I went to kitchen, otherwise only in that very dark room. Only company of mine was my old guitar and a pain, some says pain in my spinal cord where some says pain in my heart.

In my first days I really felt lonely, very lonely. My mind howled to grab my memories back. But as time pass there was strange change. I finally started to enjoy this loneliness. This serenity, complete silence started to whisper into my ears and the whisper then gradually grown louder and louder. As if this silence were singing to me,
“If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world…”
I discovered this new friend, loneliness, emptiness, darkness, voids… silence.

Well, I must say that at the last days there was no dramatic change in my mind, like not for a single moment I felt the urge or need to go back amongst so called society. Not for a single moment those words rang into my ear, “What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?”

Again, it was always been in my realization that happiness is real when shared. But in this exile I realized that sharing doesn’t mean only with people ‘round you. You can share it with an imaginary friend, with your thoughts, with your memories, even with this cold dark black silence.

I enjoyed this exile on a quiet and wild stream. I realized the freedom, freedom of mind at the same time the pain. How strange it was to walk along when one hand of yours holding the wild freedom while the other arm is in a calm melancholic pain. Something like bittersweet symphony. I felt that caged bird inside me coming out breaking the chains. Or if I say it truly, I think my feelings were exactly described by the words from the ‘Sesh Kotha’(‘Last Words’) by Rabindranath, “Khancha theke beriye eseche pakhi, kintu paye ache ek tukro sikal. Norte chorte seta baje.”(*translated by me: “the bird comes out of the cage breaking the chains free. But there’s a small piece of chain still ‘round the leg. It sounds while he moves.”)...........

Me...

All dark down there. All dark, deep and quiet. Dark like black-holes in the sky. That’s the way I love it. That’s the place I love to be in, rather I rightly fit in. Sometimes I wonder why. Only one answer I get, that’s the place that leads me to search for something. Do you wonder why? Why a place full of light does not attract me? Actually it does not let me have a chance of my favorite search. I love light. I’d love to search it. And brightness never creates need of search of light what that pitch dark does.

Sometimes it freaks me out that my turn on factors turn me off most and vice versa. Like I love to live in a complete silence environment ‘cause I love chaos. Yeah, I think chaos is the most beautiful thing in this world. Chaotic things that are every little things that come out of imperfection made each of us different, different from robots and made everything so so much beautiful.

Again, I love to connect. Connect with people, animals, trees, stones… with everything. Probably this is the reason I love to be alone, all alone.

Actually there’s an inner me that conflicts with everything happening all around. Such as, if people tell me life is beautiful, you must feel alive by recognizing beauty and truth; I’d tell I feel alive by experiencing pain, feeling death. Again, if people say, death is the final destiny, that’s the way you free from all the bondages, I’d say life is the most important thing and the way you live it makes your death significant, rather death bounds all the creative powers inside you. Even sometimes my inner me stands up against my outer me.

That’s the way I was, I am and probably I will be.

Lucy again...



Mist all ‘round again. Everything’s fading out in the dark veil of mist. A boy’s sitting under the weeping willow. Wild wind’s blowing through his shaggy hair taking his mind far far away. Everything’s so dark that the burning end of the cigarette in the hand of the boy seemed like a light-house from distance. There’s ain’t a sound all around except the sound, of collision of the wind with the falling leaves, that seemed like as if a cloud of sorrow is roaring wanting to rain all pain down in the form of tears…

Suddenly a little louder sound broke the stability of the environment as if those roaring cloud starts a hard rain. The boy’s searching for the source of the sound. But couldn’t find any thing. Suddenly he realized that it’s the sound of someone’s steps through the falling leaves. A hazy figure, in the dark mist, of a girl was walking alone on her own through the woods. Knowing nothing, being blank like hypnotized the boy stood up and followed her. A long narrow road full dust like scattered dreams. The boy continued his walk behind the Lucy of his dreams…


The path bends away to the horizon. While walking through the path the boy was lost in his own dreams that was scattered in form of dust all along the road. He felt that everything he ever wanted was just right there, he realized that the man he always wanted to be was no one else but he himself. A fade blue light was glimpsing amidst the dark cold black. After walking a while the boy understood the blue was a distance star imitating its ray how far it can. He thought deep and deep but couldn’t understand why only one star was on the sky…

Suddenly rain started, heavy rain. As if the rain was washing away all the pain, all the sorrow, all tears were lost in that rain. The boy looked at his Lucy of dreams. He saw she closed her eyes, letting her spirit free in this wild rain. The rain turned to be heavier. More and more dense. Everything was getting colder and colder. Rain drops turned to snow-flakes. The boy was about to lose his Lucy in the dark heavy snow-flakes. He wanted to run and hold her hand. But there’s some mystic force was holding his feet to the ground. He tried and tried but all tries were in vain. Finally he won. He loosened up all the chains, broke down all the walls and ran free to his ever dreamed Lucy. He took her two hands in his two. He was ‘bout to say something. But a mysterious smile of Lucy made him spell-bound, hypnotized. Snow was getting thicker and thicker so that it’s hard for the boy to even see Lucy. But even in this cold freezing wind the boy felt warm in the touch of his dream. He slowly closed his eyes to feel this moment more and more…

Then when he opened his eyes he found everything so dark that he couldn’t even see Lucy though he felt her two hands were hold in his two hands. Suddenly he realized that there’s a pen in his one hand and the other hand a cigarette. He confused again who’s his Lucy, his pen or his cigarette. He went to bathroom, washed his face in cold water. He looked into the mirror. He saw his face. So do I. I felt I know him. The boy’s face was so similar to someone, but who he was actually? I looked into the mirror more carefully. My head started spinning ‘round. The image of the boy merged into my own image…